Schizophrenic Deliberation

10 Feb

What does one do when one is confused, lost, or just unsure?

I suppose it varies, but I research. I’ve done at least 5 in-person informational interviews with practicing lawyers, and I’ve struck up an email dialogue with a sixth attorney. I’ve borrowed countless books – Law School Confidential, Getting to Maybe, Running From the Law, Should You Really Be A Lawyer? – and spent endless hours reading TLS forums and other online resources, including blawgs written by people who hate their jobs and their lives and others who love their jobs and their lives. I’ve taken multiple Myers-Briggs tests and other personality questionnaires. I’ve drawn Venn diagrams and attempted to identify my ideal work environments, preferred tasks, favorite subjects, and possible passions.

Where am I now? I can argue with clarity and confidence that I should go to law school and become a lawyer. I can argue with as much clarity and confidence that I should wait a year, or two, or forever and then go to law school and become a lawyer.

My research and self-examination have done me no good at all. The boyfriend has referred to my deliberations as schizophrenic because I go between convictions so quickly and unexpectedly.

Last week, I decided that I should spend some time out of my own head and do some soul searching that isn’t specifically law-related. So I picked up What Should I Do With My Life? by Po Bronson. The book is a collection of short biographies on the lost and confused, the employed and unemployed, the confident and the not-so-confident. I’ve recognized myself in at least a few of the individuals in the book, but especially in a woman named Leela. At a point, after scores of informational interviews that only “intensified her anxiety” (176)*, she stops looking. Apparently, finding a path is “one of the few things in life where being smarter doesn’t give you any advantage in finding your answer” (176).

So maybe I should pull a Leela and just stop looking. Put my academic and career aspirations aside for a long minute and see what happens. Law school will be there when I want to return to it, if I do. But if I go now, I’ll be on that track. I won’t have a chance to explore other options.

But do I really want other options? So, like, maybe I should just go.

*I was totally an English major, but I’ll spare you the full MLA citation.

One Response to “Schizophrenic Deliberation”


  1. Fridays From the Frontline « Clear Admit: Law School Admissions Blog - February 18, 2011

    […] 0L Law School Dreamer watched the movie Paper Chase and found the ending horror-inducing. 0L Vodka Sours continued to be entirely unsure about whether she wanted to pursue law school. […]

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